Three Words to Weight Loss

In the struggle to lose this weight, I often find that I'm baffled over why I cheat and take a bite of something I shouldn't. Before I do, I get this crack-head feeling of "gotta have it" that just won't go away. I feel edgy, angry, and as close to snapping as a disgruntled postal worker. After the bite, guilt washes over me because I've only cheated myself. But I can never quite figure out WHY. Why do I feel this way? Why is it so uncontrollable? I quit smoking cold turkey over five years ago. It's not will power that's the problem. This caving for carbs is killing me and it's more addictive than anything I've ever tried (and I've tried a LOT of addictive things :) .

I may have found the answer. In an article on a local plastic surgery site, I read something that clicked with the information I gained in psychology classes. "At the end of the day, weight loss is really about self esteem," according to weight loss coach Bob Green. When I examine my own behavior, I think at first that this is NOT because of my self-esteem. I DO have insulin resistance and PCOS. But with a lot more reflection, I realized that it does have something to do with my emotional response to stress. I've lost 70 lbs, but in the last month I've gained 15. It started with the news that my grandmother was dying of lung cancer. I managed to keep most of my life in order, but my scrutiny over what I put in my mouth went right out the window. Why? I'm still not quite sure, but I'm gonna keep thinking.

So, according to Green, "I deserve this" should become the mantra for anyone trying to lose weight. I can agree and plan to post it around the house so that I'll see this in the early days of my turn around. Maybe it'll work.

Only time will tell.

Fat...But Not Lazy

For the first topic, I thought weight loss might be best. My best friend since Kindergarten (We'll call her Alyson) and I were discussing this earlier today. Along with another girl we've known (Leighanne) just as long, we form a strange trio. I am five-eight with ongoing weight problems. I've lost seventy lbs over the last four years, and have about another hundred that I'd like to lose. That would put me at a size eight. Alyson is roughly the same height and has approximatly sixty pounds to lose thanks to medications, four babies, and depression. Leighanne is just over five feet tall and has MAYBE fifteen pounds to lose, though I just don't see it.

I'm one of the shortest people on my Dad's side of the family. On my Mom's, I'm average. On both sides, there are lots of heavy people. And both have a strong Native American heritage, which I've found in my studies is linked closely to diabetes and insulin resistance. Both run rampant in my families. I've had PCOS and insulin resistance for about sixteen years. It started after the birth of my daughter, though I didn't know what was wrong for years. I just gained weight uncontrollably and went totally infertile. No matter how little I ate or how much I exercised, the weight stayed the same or gained. Of course few people believed me, except my husband, who saw the truth after a few years of watching me struggle.

In 2005, I started therapy, quit smoking, and started going to the gym. When the weight still wouldn't come off, I cut carbs. With my conditions, cutting carbs was the magic key. I lost twenty quick. Then stalled out for months. Another twenty came off slowly. Agonizingly slow!

I ended up down seventy pounds in early 2009. Then in July, I found out I was pregnant. The same week my baby started high school. I controlled everything and gained only thirty pounds during the pregnancy and lost it within three months of delivering her in March 2010.

My heart went nuts after that. PVCs and PACs--an irregular heartbeat that skips and double beats. Sometimes it takes my breath. Other times it makes me feel faint. Beta blockers fixed the problem, but they also made me feel sluggish.

Postpartem depression combined with the stress of our family business' downfall in 2009 that caused a rippling financial hellstorm that is still going triggered my overeating. Wellbutrin fixed that. But it was all topped off by the news that my grandmothers were both dying. One from old age and a faulty heart at almost 100 years old. The other of single cell carcinoma (lung cancer).

Now it's Jan sixth. The day after my oldest child turned sixteen. The day the hospital called the family into Minnesota to see my grandmother before she dies. And, in the midst of all the emotional turmoil, I'm trying to hold onto my New Years promise to take better care of me.

To put me first.

To make my writing and health as important as they are--AND NOT TO FEEL GUILTY FOR IT.

So, I'm blabbing this to the world in the hopes of finding kindred spirits in this journey. Someone who's conquered their weight problems or struggles like me. Someone with PCOS or sugar problems. Women who are Gen X-ers facing family issues, dying grandparents, or marriage strife.

Just someone to talk to who understands and wants someone to talk to.